I am proud to introduce a new column to Madame Deals! I think we all need a touch point a place we can go to be inspired. Karla is my children’s teacher, a good friend, and a person with a heart of gold. I hope that her words will inspire you to do more. We are only as good as the people we surround ourselves with. It is important to listen with your heart and proceed with your eyes open. Enjoy!

Stop and Do Nothing Once In A While…

A few months ago I was asked to fill out a questionnaire about myself for a secret sister program at work. Each teacher is given a form full of questions about themselves so that the person who draws their name will know a little bit about them. Throughout the school year we are asked to drop notes of encouragement, cards, small trinkets, etc. in our secret sister’s mailbox or in the classroom to let them know they are thought of and appreciated. Then in May at the end of the school year luncheon we find out who our secret sister is. One of the questions on the form was “what style is your house decorated in?” I cannot truly answer that because I am not so sure there is a set style to my house. After much thought I came up with an answer: modern country. Really what I should have written was “my style”.

When I was first married I would read every magazine devoted to women such as Better Homes and Gardens, Ladies Home Journal, Redbook, you name it I read it. I found myself drawn to the sections devoted to home decorating and entertaining. I would sit for hours wishing, hoping and planning for the day when I would be able to have a home just like the one in the magazine. Here I am 22 years later and I still don’t have that quaint little cottage with a white picket fence and amazing backyard full of white wicker furniture and built-in barbecue grill. What I do have is a home full of things that reflect my life and what is important to me. As I type this, I am sitting at my grandmother’s dining table staring at her picture in a small frame in her china hutch with her china. The table and hutch are not grand by any means; some would say that it’s not nice enough or formal enough for a formal dining room. For me, it is not the size or cost that makes it grand, it’s the fact that my grandmother bought it when I was nine years old and she left it for me when she passed away. Having it in my home keeps her memory close to me and reminds me of her and the love she had for me. There are pictures scattered throughout my home in various frames, full of faces from my past and present. An old picture of my grandfather when he was a young boy holding his shotgun with his hound dog at his side is a cherished piece of the history that is my life. My parents, great grandparents, husband, children, and other relatives’ photos sit throughout my home to remind me of the many threads in my life tapestry that make my home and family what it is today.

What is your decorating style? Do you fill your home with things that have a special meaning to you or do you attempt to have that picture perfect home full of things that the experts say you should have? Our home should be a place set apart from the outside world that brings us a sense of comfort and peace. Life is busy; filled with responsibilities that require much of our physical and emotional selves each day. We should have a space that upon entering we can kick off our shoes, take a deep breath and be in the moment. After many years of trying to have the perfect home, I decided to give up and just live. Having older children helps keep the messes away a bit, but in the end, I realized that after a week of not cleaning every single day, my house was still pretty clean and I am a happier momma for it. Now every night after dinner I relax on the sofa with my husband instead of worrying about cleaning the floors, scrubbing the toilets or keeping the laundry hamper empty. I have learned that the laundry hamper has a purpose; to hold dirty clothes. Knowing that I cannot get any of the wasted time back, my goal is to enjoy what time we have together now.

The world around us is full of responsibilities that if we allow it will suck the very life out of us. I have friends whose lives are so full of responsibilities they are away from home nearly every night of the week. Home should be a place of comfort, retreat, safety and rejuvenation, but we must take the time to be home in order to receive those elements. In
order for us to be useful we must take care of ourselves first. Take time to evaluate the many responsibilities in your life; determine if they are meaningful enough to hang on to and release those that are not. Set aside time for yourself and your family to stay home and stay connected. As I told my son the other day when he complained that he had nothing to do, it’s okay if we have nothing to do once in a while. It’s okay to be in the moment and embrace a bit of nothingness. It is in the quiet time of nothingness you may hear that small whisper on your soul guiding you in the direction your life is supposed to take you. Who knows what you might be missing out on if you do not take the time to stop and do nothing for a while.

Peace,
Karla

Addictions: Are They Real?

Recently I wrote an article for Lifetime Moms about my food addiction and the sometimes debilitating affects it has on my physical and emotional self. Sharing this with the world or the small piece of world that follows my written works, was probably one of the most difficult and humbling experiences of my life. Having the ability to write, share my thoughts and insights on the world around me is so much easier than sharing about my personal demons or flaws. The amount of support that I received from readers and close friends and family was a bit overwhelming and very much appreciated. The sense of validation from others is so very important when we open ourselves to reveal our deepest darkest most raw emotions. Let’s face it, once we release those tid bits of information, we can never take them back. It is kind of like when a child angrily yells “I hate you” to his parents. The minute the words are uttered they can never be stuffed back in and forgotten. They are out and they will stay out.

After sharing my addiction I found myself feeling a bit relieved that I did not have to bare that heaviness deep within myself any longer. As fearful as I was of being judged I realized that by sharing my darkest secrets others could see that there is hope and help if only we seek it and that sometimes we fall off of the proverbial wagon and that that is okay because now there will be others surrounding us to give us a boost to get back on the wagon. So imagine my surprise when I sat down on Monday with my husband to enjoy a little afternoon talk show television, and watch as a doctor loudly proclaims that food addiction is not real. Finding it difficult not to yell at the television, I struggled to remain calm and listen to her “educated” remarks trying to make sense out of her analogies and why she believed that there is no proven evidence that one can be addicted to food. I am happy to say that most of the audience was on my “side” as were some of the other guests on the show. Listening to her try to convince person after person that they were not addicted to food and that they simply ate too much or indulged because of periodic emotions infuriated me. If I could have had just ten minutes with this woman, I would share with her the reality of food addiction and just how harmful it is.

Having battled with my weight for most of my life I finally hit rock bottom when my obsessive compulsive behaviors took over and I began to stress over every little detail in my life. Pushing my husband and children to the brink with my desire to be perfect, or at least appear perfect I realized that the OCD was also driving my desire to eat massive amounts of food. Not wanting anyone to know just how much food I was eating, I became an expert in hiding food, something I am not proud of but was quite successful at doing. Food consumed my thoughts so often that I would catch myself eating breakfast while planning lunch and dinner. Then there were the snacks…oh how I loved the snacks.

My grandfather was an alcoholic. As a matter of fact, I rarely remember a special event or celebration where he was sober. It was an unfortunate part of our lives and was often times swept under the rug because back in “the day” you just did not air your dirty laundry and you just did not talk about stuff like that. If you did not talk about it, you did not have to deal with it and everyone would be happy right? Wrong, we could look the other way but when we looked back, the problem was still there.

Addiction is addiction, no matter what the drug of choice is. My drug happens to be food and while I have worked quite hard to conquer the addiction I have a long way to go. On most days I have success and am able to avoid giving into the addiction, but once in a while when I think I have it all together I fall. Sometimes I fall pretty hard; and that fall hurts. But I have a coping “tool” that I use to help get myself back in the game. It is simple to use and understand and can be used by anyone struggling with any type of addiction. Often times when someone falls off the proverbial wagon he/she tends to punish themselves and feel like a complete failure. However, that is far from the truth. When I slip and give in to the addiction I do not beat myself up anymore. I simply start over from that point. The key is this: Break each day into four quarters. If you fall during the day you are only affecting a small part of that day’s success. You still have the rest of the day to overcome and be successful. For example, I eat a sensible breakfast and head to work having not given in to the addiction. Then snack time for my preschoolers arrives and involves cupcakes for a student’s birthday; WHAM! I eat a cupcake or two and immediately feel guilty. Not anymore. I am still in the first quarter of my day and have three more quarters of my day left. So I tell myself that while I caved into the addiction I still have three quarters of my day left to be successful. I started using this “tool” about six months ago and have found that I am caving into the addiction less and less thus keeping my addiction at bay more often. To this I say “yay for me!”

What is your addiction? I personally believe that everyone has one whether they wish to define it or not. Take a long hard look at yourself and what it is that you indulge in more than you should. Do you shop too much; drink too much; gamble too much; clean too much; curse too much; gripe and complain too much? Whatever your drug of choice is, I believe that you can conquer it. Each new day brings us a world of possibilities and opportunities to live our lives to the fullest. For me, I have to tell myself quite often that I need to eat to live not live to eat. Let go of whatever is holding you down from rising above and shining like the star that you are. There are endless opportunities for us in this big world; we just have to open our eyes. In order to reach for the stars we must drop the junk we hold in our hands; in other words, let go of the crap that holds you down so that when life throws you something wonderful you can catch it.

Peace,
Karla

To see all Karla’s Korner articles click here.

Paying it Forward….

Have you ever been in a restaurant and noticed someone eating by themselves? Have you ever felt inclined to offer them a seat at your table? When my husband travelled on a regular basis for work he would often times pick up his meals and take them back to his hotel room to eat. Not being a fan of eating alone in public, it was much easier for him to eat alone in his room. Often times he would call me while he ate and we would chat. I can honestly say that I have never eaten alone in public other than zipping through a drive through and eating in my car.

Today, my family decided to go to our favorite little Chinese restaurant after church to hit the buffet. I had been craving egg rolls. No, there’s no specific reason for the craving other than I heard someone say they were making egg rolls and I immediately wanted one. So, we made the trek into town to satisfy the craving. While preparing to chow down on the mounds of rice, noodles and chicken wings, I noticed an elderly gentleman take a seat across the aisle from us. He carefully placed his hat on the empty seat at his table and proceeded to the buffet. The hat, told a story. This gentleman was a military veteran and he was alone. The embroidery on the front of his hat indicated that he served in the Navy aboard the USS Hampton. We made eye contact and he casually mentioned the cold weather and proceeded to quietly eat his lunch.

I sat for a moment thinking about this man and wondering what his life held for him. Why was he alone? Did he have a family? Was he a widower? Should we invite him to eat with us and if we did would he think we were strange? Sharing my curiosities with my husband I shared with him the idea of paying it forward. My friend Amee, aka. Madame Deals, has been promoting the idea of giving of oneself and doing for others in the new year. Mentioning it to my husband we began to talk about how doing little things for others mounts up to big things. Sharing of ourselves does not always mean we have to sacrifice great things to make a great difference. Easing the load for someone often means more than we can imagine. For example, what if you gave up stopping at the local coffee shop every morning for one week and made your coffee at home and then took the money you saved and bought a bag of groceries for someone in need? You have not really given up anything, only adjusted your lifestyle a little and then blessed someone in need a lot.

As we sat at our table enjoying family conversation, my heart remained with this elderly man who has served our country and quietly goes about his daily life; more than likely alone at his dinner table. Sensing the heaviness on my heart, my husband went to the waitress and quietly asked her to bring us his check as well. He paid the bills and as we walked away he patted the gentleman on his shoulder and simply thanked him for his service. There was no need for us to tell him that we had paid his bill; recognition of this act of kindness was not necessary. As we left I looked back one more time and knew that this would be one of those moments in our lives that we simply did something for someone else just because we could and not knowing his reaction when he was told that his bill had been paid simply did not matter.

Often time’s people support a specific charity or cause to be recognized. And while the recognition is nice I think that the quiet acts of kindness can at times be the most meaningful. And while I have shared this story I can assure you that I did not share it to receive the proverbial pat on the back. I share this as an example of just how little it takes to bless someone. The simple cost of a buffet meal allowed us to thank this man for his service to our country and hopefully he will find a way to take what he saved on his meal and bless someone else. My hope is that if and when he shares his story with others they too will be inspired to pay it forward to someone else.

I encourage you to pay it forward to someone this week. Check out www.madamedeals.com for her Pay it Forward Friday column for ideas and to share your experiences. There’s a song we learned at camp many years ago that starts with the words: “it only takes a spark to get a fire going….” This song refers to God’s love and sharing it with others, and while I am a firm believer in that concept, I can also refer to those words as setting a spark of being generous to others (which I believe is what God’s love is all about). For those of you who remember the old shampoo commercial on television where the actress tells two friends about this wonderful shampoo and they tell two friends, and they tell two friends, etc.? That is exactly how paying it forward should work. You do something nice and in turn hopefully that person will do something nice for someone and so on and so on and so on.

Share your blessings with a pure heart not wanting anything in return. Life is good, share that goodness and you too will be blessed beyond measure.

Peace,

Karla Robey

To see all Karla’s Korner articles click here.

Don’t Worry….

Kids are funny. They tend to say what’s on their mind without any filtering or caution when they say it. A few weeks one of my preschoolers proclaimed “Ms. Karla, you are so funny and you are old”. Well, funny I can handle, but old? I had a tough time with that one. When I asked him why he said I was old he simply replied “because you are.” I would not consider 44 old, but I guess when you are only three, 44 is pretty old. I’ve always heard that as wisdom comes with age. However, it appears to me that as wise as I like to think I am, my children seem to know way more than me. Several years ago my daughter introduced me to her favorite author, Oscar Wilde. (Actually she introduced me to some of his writings and quotes as he is no longer living” Wilde says “The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything. “When I read this I immediately thought about young adults and the fact that they seem to know so much more than us old folks. And sometimes whether we like to admit it or not, our children can and will teach us a lesson.

I went into town today to deliver a book to my daughter that came in the mail this week. She went back to school a bit early and the book arrived after she left. Naturally I offered to take it to her. (I won’t mention that her dad works at her college and could have taken it to her and save me a trip) We decided to grab some lunch before I left; that made my heart happy since it meant I would get to spend a little extra time with her. While chowing down on turkey burgers and salad, I asked her what she thought I should write about this week. She said “worry”. Not quite sure which direction she thought I should take, I asked for an explanation. Without hesitation she tells me that I worry too much. Now most folks would argue or deny the accusation, however, I know that she is absolutely correct in her deduction of my worrisome behavior. Knowing she was more than willing to share her thoughts with me, I encouraged her to give me some examples of excessive worry. Within seconds she spouts off several quick answers one of which hit me pretty hard; apparently every time I see her I bring her food. Every time I take her to get her groceries something extra always ends up in the shopping cart….I call them her “just in case” items. You know, just in case you need two packages of cookie dough or just in case you need a two pound bag of Milky Ways or just in case you need a carton of ice cream, Hot Pockets or pudding cups. Yikes, I am so totally guilty. My worry is pushing my food addiction on my family.

As parents, we find ourselves in constant worry over our children and their lives. Wanting to make sure our children are happy we tend to go overboard with showering them with things of comfort and familiarity. Having a child who has moved away to school has heightened my sense of worry. Thankfully she is a pretty smart “cookie” and knows how to handle her worrisome momma and handle herself out in this big bad world.

When babies are born we are their sole source of everything. Parents are put in charge of this little person without an instruction manual and are expected to produce a healthy, happy, respectful, productive adult. Hence, the worry begins. Fear and worry has followed me in my parenthood journey from the very beginning. Sometimes it follows me at a distance and other times it sits on my shoulder and whispers in my ear. It is the times when I allow the worry to whisper the “what if’s” in my ear that I overcompensate. But somewhere along the line we parents must begin to let go of some of the worry and replace it with trust. Trusting in our own selves and the “job” we have done in raising our children and trusting that our children go out into the world and use the life skills we have taught them is a key factor in parenting. Admitting that I need to follow my own advice, or that of my adult child, I struggle to find a replacement for the worry. Worry takes up a lot of space in my brain sometimes and putting the worry away leaves an empty spot for me to fill with things like peace, joy, encouragement and confidence. Now I can assure you that the worry will never completely go away and that is okay. Worry in small doses is a good thing. Being concerned for our children and their well being is good, however, being overbearing and controlling is not so good.

What does all of this mean for you? That is up to you to decide. How you handle worry is your decision. Will you let worry consume your every thought or will you release the excess worry and replace it with peace? For me working toward a more peaceful outlook on life as a parent will be difficult at times but necessary. As my sweet girl climbed out of my car today with her new book (which ironically is all about the brain), she kissed me on the cheek, told me she loved me and asked me not worry and then with a grin that only she could give me asked me not to send her any more beefy macaroni….apparently I have worried so much about her getting enough to eat she now has nearly a dozen cans of the tasty treat along with enough food to in her words “sink a small battleship”.

This week put your worries away and embrace life with peace in your heart; fill the worry space with joy. I leave you with the words of singer Bobby McFerrin…..”Don’t worry….be happy”

Peace,
Karla

To see all Karla’s Korner articles click here.

Chill Out….

As I sit down to write this week, it is January 1, 2012 and my heart is heavy. While everyone is saying “Happy New Year!” I find that I am in somewhat less than a celebratory mood. Not quite sure what to do with myself today, I made the decision to set up shop in the bedroom of our basement, lock the door and cry. Crying for me comes quite easy and today it came easier than ever before. With the world literally locked out of my own little isolated space I have decided to let it all out and just be in the quiet of the room without anything or anyone to get in the way.

For over three years I have worked on my emotional self trying to figure out just what it is that makes me “tick”. You would think that after 44 years I would have some sort of idea as to why I do the things I do or feel the feelings that I have. But today, New Year’s Day, the start of a fresh year that should bring hope and celebration I find that I am still searching for answers. I have found some answers to a few of my many life questions, but have come to realize that if I live to be 100, I may never find all the answers.

While everyone is making resolutions for the new year feeling refreshed and ready to start over my need to continue carrying last year’s load is really weighing heavy on my heart. Literally, my heart physically aches for the events of the past year, especially the past month; I walked into church this morning a bit out of sorts. And then, like the proverbial ton of bricks that falls on my noggin from time to time it hit me during the pastor’s sermon that I am supposed to feel like this sometimes. Parenting hurts. Not wanting to re-preach the sermon, let me just say that the story went something like this….The parents of a newborn baby went to the church to dedicate their baby boy and when they handed him over to the church leaders to dedicate him to God one of the leaders told this brand new mother that her child would not be liked so much and would have all kinds of opposition and one day something would happen and it would be like a sword to her soul. What the heck? Seriously, this so called spiritual leader tells this new momma that her life as a parent is going to be difficult and painful? Oh there will be some good times sprinkled in for good measure but her job as a parent would not be a walk in the park (or in her case a walk in the desert). Taking out the historical timeline, let me focus on what all this means to me as a parent in today’s world; a parent in the year 2012.

Children come into this world completely and utterly naked, helpless and innocent. Our job is to raise our children to the best of our ability and mold them into responsible adults. Being a mother is my most treasured title. Having made a conscious decision to become a parent I embrace all that has come with that title even if it has come with some difficulty at times. I can promise you that our parents did not always enjoy everything we did as children, teenagers and even now as adults. Our world today is full of so much “stuff” that sometimes the “stuff” gets in the way of living life. Having just celebrated Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanza or whatever it is that you celebrate are you finding it difficult to put away all the “stuff” that was received. I must confess that I often succumb to the idea that “stuff”will make my children happy. And only after the celebrations are over and the halls are undecked do I realize that all they really want is me and their dad. The “stuff” is secondary.

As I sat with my children on New Year’s Eve and nitpicked about various things, the adult child looked at me and told me to “chill out”. Of course, that went over like a load of lead bricks which then led to a conversation that like the mother in the story from church experienced pierced my soul. How often is it that we as parents want to put our children out in this world as perfect little specimens of ourselves? How often is it that we give our children the “you are a reflection of me” speech before leaving the house? How often do we find ourselves getting angry over spilled milk? How many times a day do we find ourselves saying “clean up your room”? Do the words, stop, quit and don’t fill every corner of your parenting vocabulary? For 18 years those words have been a staple in my mommy dialogue. And after my heart breaking conversation with my child last night I have decided to make one resolution. Knowing how difficult it is to keep resolutions and knowing that this one is HUGE for me I do not have the inner ability to keep more than this one. So here goes; this year I resolve to simply “chill out” Does that mean that I will promote messy rooms, undone homework and skipped chores? No, it simply means that I will diligently work to lower my voice, overlook a bit of the mess, help clean up the spilled milk and use more positive words with not only my children but those around me. I will not focus on the giving of “stuff” but giving more of myself.

A dear friend of mine woke up this morning, the first day of the New Year without her husband; she is now a widow. Today, her daughters woke up without their daddy for the first time in their lives. You see, he had an accident a few days before Christmas and just before midnight on New Year’s Eve his physical body gave out and he passed on to eternity. This family has to face the beginning of the New Year without him, and I and those who read my words have been blessed with another day to do things right. Parenting is difficult. Life is difficult. We will never be perfect. Our “to do” list will always have something on it. So in the words of my adult child, who at times is wiser than me, I urge you to embrace the New Year with the eyes of your heart wide open and resolve to simply take a few moments every day and “chill out”.

Happy New Year!

Karla

To see all Karla’s Korner articles click here.

Slow Down!

As I began to think about my topic for this week, the words patience and slow down kept rolling through my mind. Thinking about the idea of patience and waiting for something, I thought about my preschool students and the excitement they have for the arrival of Christmas. Sometime shortly after Halloween, someone will bust in my classroom and say “Ms. Karla, Ms. Karla, I saw Santa Claus at the mall!” Now it’s not even Thanksgiving yet, and Santa has already made his way to the mall. From that time until the last day of school before our Christmas break, everyone is making lists, talking about what they want for Christmas, making countdown calendars, Advent chains and impatiently waiting for the big day. I remember one student telling me a few years ago..”Santa needs to hurry up”. When that particular student returned to preschool in January, I asked him, “Hey, what did Santa bring you?” The answer “well ummmm he brought, uh, he brought…I don’t remember.” How many times do we think we want something, we hurry up and get it and then once it’s here, we’ve lost interest? We realize it’s just not what we thought we wanted. 

On a recent trip into town to run errands and pick up a few items at the local grocery store, I decided to pay close attention to the folks around me. I am a coupon shopper and it takes a little extra time as I look for the deals and separate my coupons. Well, on this particular Saturday the local market was a little busy (I live in a college town so there are lots of extra people in the store on a Saturday afternoon) so I made every effort to stay to the side of each isle not getting in anyone’s way. Unfortunately, that did not seem to work. Everywhere I turned there was someone huffing and puffing, pushing and shoving and fighting for position…hurriedly zipping through the store. As I approached the checkout lines it reminded me of the final lap of the last NASCAR race of the season that would determine who won the championship for the year. I wanted to stand up on the end of my cart and shout to the top of my lungs SLOW DOWN! But I didn’t, I just stayed to myself, checked out as quickly as I could trying not to pay attention to the lady behind me who apparently does not use or understand the benefit of coupons.

As I prepared to leave the parking lot I was nearly run over twice by two very impatient drivers, who ended up at the same stop light I did at the very same time I did. (Yes, I chuckled at the fact that all that rushing around, I still got there at the same time they did.) Then, there was the ride home. Zipping through town headed back to the rural community that I call home was also an adventure. At one particular spot in the road, traffic is to merge into one lane. That my friends is not a fun place to be. It seemed that everyone behind me decided to drag race to the front of the line, leaving me in the dust…which was fine with me because I’d rather be safely in the “dust” than upside down in a ditch.

Why is it that we are in such a hurry all the time? We have this one life to live and it seems that we all rush to get through it. When we are young, we cannot wait until we turn 16 so we can drive. Once we get there, we cannot wait until we are 18, out of high school and are a legal adult so we can leave home and be our own boss. Then there’s age 21 and we all know about turning 21. And before we know it we are married, have children and we do not even remember how we got there. Our children begin to go through certain stages and whether we want to admit it or not, sometimes we wish they would grow up or at least get out of whatever stage they are in. As a teacher I will often hear parents say “I will be glad when he/she gets out of the terrible two’s” or “ I cannot wait until they are in kindergarten” But why?

As an older parent with older children, I sit back some days and ache for the time I had with my babies. I watch my son, who is just a bit taller than me now at 13 and realize that in a few short years, he too, like his sister, will go off to school and my husband and I will be left alone. I find that as much as I enjoy conversations with my grown daughter about her life, school and her plans for her life I miss that little girl who used to sit with me on the back porch and blow bubbles, chase butterflies and play in the sandbox.

Do you rush through your life? Do you speed through your day just so you can get home and speed through dinner, dishes and bedtime? Slow down. Take a few deep breaths, and embrace the moment. We are not guaranteed anything but the moment we are in right this very minute. Embrace, savor and appreciate it. Say what needs to be said to those who need to hear it. Take your time. Fix a meal and eat it at the dinner table instead of buzzing through a drive through and eating in the car.

Rodney Atkins, an up and coming country music singer has a new song on the radio that has kind of become my theme song. “Take a Back Road” is a song about the busy life and how he longs to take a back road to get out of the hectic day to day traffic. My favorite line in the song says “It makes me wanna take a back road, put a little gravel in my travel, unwind unravel all night long…” Whether you are a country music fan or not, might I suggest that you “You Tube” it and have a listen? While you may not be able to take a back road or take a trip you can certainly try to find time to unwind and unravel. Slow down and embrace the moment you have right now. For me, I am going to grab a cup of coffee and the husband and spend some quiet time out on the deck and watch the leaves fall and the squirrels bounce through the trees….and maybe take a back road if only in my mind.

Peace,
Karla Robey

Costumes…

This past week was full of celebrations and make believe. Of course, we celebrated my birthday which was wonderful. My sweet daughter surprised me with a visit and flowers, my husband made me a wonderful dinner and he and my son gave me some sweet gifts. My preschoolers showered me with cards, cupcakes and hugs. Later in the week, we had our annual harvest party and costume parade at my preschool. There were lots of fire fighters, police officers, dragons and fairy princesses. Then there was me dressed as The Cat in the Hat. Yes, for the first time in many years, I decided to dress in costume. With my big red bow tie, white gloves, striped hat and matching socks I proudly walked the parade “route” with my students. It is widely known in my circle that I do not wear hats because hats mess up my hair and hair is a big deal to me. So when I pulled that tall red striped hat down over my freshly coifed “do” my heart began to pound a little faster and I found myself very anxious. However, when my boss, who by the way was wearing a big rainbow colored clown wig and bright red nose, opened the door, I knew I had to embrace the moment and go for it. Besides, if she could do it, I could do it.

After the celebration was over and the costume was put away I began to think about how in real life we try to wear masks to cover up our real selves. How often is it that we pretend to be someone we are not in order to fit in or stand out? As humans we have the need to be accepted by those in the world around us and at times we feel that it is necessary to pretend to be something or someone we are not.

In the past several years I have worked very hard to come into my own; to find my own identity and take off the mask I have been wearing for so long and embrace who I really am. Finding the way to my real self has been painful at times but like anything worth working for, the end result is just me. Being someone who for so many years struggled with self acceptance I feel that for the first time in my life I do not have to put on a costume, a mask or pretend to be anything but me. And knowing that not everyone will like or accept the real me is absolutely okay.

My preschoolers love to pretend. Every day during their free time they pull out the dishes and the babies and pretend. One will be the mommy, one will be the daddy and just the other day one of them shouted “Hey, I’m the grandma!” Watching them play in their make believe world is so much fun. Hearing them order food at their pretend restaurant to their pretend waiter or waitress makes me giggle. Make believe is a big part of learning for children. But what happens when we grow up and the make believe does not go away? We miss out on something wonderful. We miss out on ourselves and all the great things we have to offer to the world around us.

Who are you really? Are you someone who lives far beyond their means just to make an impression? Do you pretend to be something that you are not just to be accepted or noticed? Take a look in the mirror and see if the person looking back at you is the real you. For a long time I did not see my real self in the mirror, but someone I thought I had to be. Struggling with my weight, food addiction and low self worth was the driving force behind most everything I did. Looking back, while painful, I realize that hiding behind the make-up, clothes, perfectly styled hair, and sparkling clean house, was this really neat person struggling to get out. Coming to understand that it okay to be just me has made me a happier person. Remember the old saying “If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy, well nowadays this momma is very happy. She has taken off the costume and exposed her real identity to the world and in doing so has sprinkled a little more happiness in the lives of those around her. And what I realize is that once I removed the mask and the costume, the extra weight began to come off and not only do I look better, I feel better too.

Examine your life. Find the real you. Embrace the real you and put all of your costumes away. Show this world exactly who you and what you are made of; not what you think the world wants you to be. Life comes around once so make sure you live it to the fullest without make believe.

For me, as I sit here in my old jeans, baggy gray t-shirt, no make-up, graying hair and my Carl Edwards socks, I catch my reflection in the computer screen and find that the woman looking back at me is smiling.

Peace,

Karla Robey

It’s My Birthday!

How many times have you heard someone say “I’m not having a birthday anymore” or something similar indicating that they are not happy that they are getting older? Well, my birthday is Tuesday and I am embracing it with everything I have and I am not going to lie about my age either. I am turning 44 years old and I am proud of it. To some sharing their real age is taboo, but not for me. You see, in my “older” years I am thankful that I am still having birthdays.

My husband gleefully announced in church this week that I was having a birthday and someone commented to me that he should have told everyone that I was 29….”Nope” I proudly said “I will be 44” There’s no hiding the fact that we all get older and we all change with age. I can remember the year my daddy turned 40. I do not know why that particular birthday stands out for me, but I remember making him a big card out of poster board and writing the number forty all over it. It was like turning 40 was the pinnacle of old age. Now my daddy just turned 76 and he will be the first to tell you that he is not old and he plans to live to be 100.

As a young girl turning 16 was a very big deal. That was the year I was old enough to get my driver’s license. I thought that I was so wise and so ready to conquer the world that nobody could tell me anything I did not already know. Boy was I wrong. Turning 18 was an even bigger deal because I had graduated high school, enrolled in the community college and was allowed to vote for the first time. Once again, I had all the answers. And once again I was totally off base. By the time I had turned 21, I was engaged to be married and planning my new life with my soon to be husband and together we would conquer the world. Well, we have not really conquered the world, but we certainly have plowed our way through a lot of muck to get where we are today. And, I would not trade it for the world.

The other night while standing over my shoulder reading something on my computer screen my 13 year old son noticed a few gray hairs in my head. (If he would have looked a little harder he would have found a whole lot more). Apparently this shocked him because he nearly shouted “Wow! Look at those gray hairs on your head. Those suckers are really shiny. I bet you could pull them out and use them as tinsel on the Christmas tree!” After composing myself a bit I told him that those gray hairs were a sign of wisdom and that I had earned each and every one of them. I then proceeded to go to the store the next day and purchase a new box of hair color. I said I was embracing my age I did not say that I was going to look it.

With age comes a lot of changes both physical and emotional. I find myself focusing on more spiritual, meaningful things in my life than I did in my younger years. Taking time to seek out purpose in my life has become a priority instead of quick, instant gratification. Age has a tendency to creep up on our physical selves in various ways such as the graying of our hair, extra pounds, achy joints, fuzzy vision, etc. Being affected by all of those are daily reminders that I must take better care of myself to ensure that like my daddy I live a very long life and aim to reach 100.

Do you shy away from your birthday? Do you find yourself fibbing about your age or worrying about the affects aging has on your physical self? Naturally, we as humans want to make sure we look our best all the time, and I along with most work very hard to look my best. As a matter of fact, there are very few people who have seen me without my makeup or hair done. (I do suffer from a bit of vanity, something I will probably write about in the future.) But what about your spirit? Do you nurture your spirit as much as you nurture your physical self? Take time to begin working on carving out a little bit of time on a regular basis to nurture your soul. Listen to music, read a book, take a class, meditate, take a walk; whatever it is that awakens your spirit and feeds your soul.

Embrace your age. For me, I welcome each new year as a symbol of maturity and the opportunity to improve over the year before. I have come a long way since that little 16 year old farm girl who thought that getting her driver’s license was going to be the key to total happiness and freedom. I realize now that age does not really matter as much as what lives in our hearts and how we share ourselves with those around us. So as I celebrate my birthday on Tuesday, know that I will not be shying away from the number. I will be welcome it with open arms, a smile on my face and hopefully if I am lucky a big piece of birthday cake.

Peace,

Karla Robey

No More Grudges…

Yesterday my phone rang just as I was about to leave for a day of shopping and errand running. It was my mother-in-law so I decided to answer it. I have known this woman for nearly 24 years and only has it been in the past six months I would have considered answering the phone and not let the answering machine pick up.

When I first met my husband’s family way back in 1988 I was just 19 years old. I grew up on a poultry farm in rural Virginia attending church and practicing a protestant faith. My husband grew up in a military town in North Carolina to Jamaican parents, a Marine father and attended the Catholic Church. To say that our backgrounds were different would be an understatement, but we quickly decided to marry and carry on in our lives as we saw fit. Unfortunately, the road we chose was a bit difficult at times due to those differences and a lot of stubbornness…from all sides. For most of my married life I struggled with the in-laws. Looking back now I know that I played just as big a part in the “conflict” as they did, but nonetheless there was conflict. Flash forward 23 years to this past May; that is when my story really begins. My father in law passed away the year before and my mother-in-law moved in with her youngest daughter and her family. Shortly after his passing we began to notice little slips of her memory and would just brush it off as old age. Little by little it was becoming apparent that Grandma’s health was deteriorating. Still, I sat on the sidelines not really communicating with her. To be quite honest, I had avoided her for a long time.

In May of this year my husband received a call from his sister saying that his mother was pretty sick and that we should make a visit as soon to say our good-byes. I decided I would not make the trip at first but changed my mind at the last minute to support my husband and children. As we made our way on Memorial Day weekend we were certain that this would be our last trip. The Hospice nurse and the doctors said that Grandma’s time was near and nothing else could be done. We found her in her room, oxygen tank by her side, tired, weak and pale. My sister-in-law was happy to see me and shared that Grandma had been asking for me all day. As difficult as that was to believe I began to feel that this was going to be a life changing moment for us all. I found a spot beside her bed making sure that I was surrounded the others. Suddenly I realized that one by one they all had left the room and we were alone. With a lump in my throat and no idea what to say, I sat in the quiet of her room listening to the hissing of the oxygen hoping and praying that somebody, anybody would come in and save me from the situation. That did not happen. Instead what happened was a conversation about normal every day stuff. She thanked me for coming, asked about my children, my parents, job, and life in general. She shared with me that she knew she was dying and that she was okay with it. The room began to fill up with family members again and I thought for sure I was in the clear. We had our conversation and I was off the hook; my work there was done. WRONG!

The following day we went to see her and to say our good-byes. We had to return home and make plans to come back later in the week for her funeral. We found Grandma weaker than the day before and almost non-responsive. The Hospice nurse told us that it would be a matter of hours or a day at best and she would be gone. As we gathered around her bed to say good-bye my heart broke as I watched my husband sit on the edge of the bed and hold his tiny 80 pound 81 year old mother in his arms and share his last words with her. My sweet girl was next, holding her grandma’s hand, wiping the tears away and sharing her final thoughts. My son, awkward and shy hugged her and let her frail wrinkled hand fall away as he walked away tearful and sad. Once again I was left alone in the room with a heavy heart full of sadness and regret. I realized at that moment that I had wasted so much time and energy and for what? I could not even remember and all the sudden it did not matter.

I reached down and held her hand in mine and watched as she stared back at me and let the tears flow down her cheeks. She asked me to look after her son as I always have and to take care of myself and my children too. As I bent down to hug her she looked at me and said “I’m sorry”. Two words that I had waited for for many years had been uttered with sincerity and love; something I had not expected. In response I told her that I was sorry too and for the first in 23 years I told her I loved her and I meant it. I held her frail tiny body in my arms for a moment and walked away with an overwhelming feeling of peace. In my heart I knew that even though her time was short we were okay.

As the following week rolled around we received daily updates on her condition and was certain that she would pass and had even made plans at our jobs to be away to attend her funeral. That did not happen. About ten days later, yes ten days, my sister-in-law woke up to find Grandma standing at the kitchen counter reading the newspaper and eating grapes. Of course, we were thrilled but still not hopeful. In July my husband and I returned to North Carolina for his high school reunion and there she was in her pretty little dress, hair done neatly sitting in her chair happily waiting our arrival. Since our visit in July she has moved into an assisted living facility and is doing quite well. Her memory is a bit fuzzy, but otherwise she is well and just celebrated her 82nd birthday.

So back to my phone call. I pick up the phone and hear my sweet mother-in-law say “Happy Birthday!” Now my birthday is in ten days, but I do not correct I simply thank her and carry on in the conversation. She asks how everyone is and what my plans are for the day and then suddenly as if a switch was turned and her memory was clear again she quietly says “it’s not your birthday is it?” I tell her “no”, but that’s okay she’s the first to tell me and I am happy to talk to her. I am really happy to talk to her.

Is there someone in your life that you have held a grudge against for so long you do not remember why? Take time to examine the relationships you have in your life and ask yourself if it is really worth the time and energy to stay angry. For me, it took 23 years to realize how much I have wasted with my mother-in-law. I am thankful that we have been given the time we have now and while I struggle with regret I know that we are in a good place in our lives and that the past does not matter anymore.

Focus on what is really important in your life. Get rid of the negativity, anger and grudges. Life is so precious; focus on living each day to the fullest without regret. Letting go of grudges will probably always be a bit difficult for hard headed me, but I will try. I will cherish the time I have left with Grandma and know that each phone call is a bonus….even if it is not my birthday.

Peace,

Karla Robey

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. If that’s the case, I probably have several hundred thousand words stored on my computer. When my children were first born, I had the camera nearby all of the time. As they got older, it seemed that the camera stayed put more often and only came out on special occasions. As they neared adolescence I was not quite sure where the camera was. Now that they are practically grown, I find myself trying to capture their picture more often, something which they find totally annoying.

Recently I attended my 25th high school reunion (actually I’ve been out of high school 26 years because I skipped a grade and graduated early, but the class I left behind invited me anyway, something I am so thankful for.) We were asked to e-mail a picture of ourselves from our childhood to the coordinator of the reunion. Thankfully, I have a photo album that my mother put together for me from birth until my marriage that I could pull a picture from. Of course, I chose what I thought was the best; it was on my third birthday. I know this because I am sitting at the kitchen table with a birthday cake with three candles on it. I do not remember this occasion at all, but apparently I had a good time because I was smiling. The coolest part about the whole reunion/picture deal was that everyone said it looked just like me now, which at almost 44 I find that a huge compliment. Whether it is true or not, I appreciated the compliment.

While thumbing through a box of old pictures at my church last week I realized that something was missing. The box, filled with pictures from the past 20 or so years is full of un-labeled pictures. Having been a member of my church for just seven years, there are many faces in these pictures that I cannot recognize. There were some familiar faces; some who have passed away and brought back sweet memories and a few tears. However, the majority of the pictures in that box are just that…pictures; nameless, unidentifiable pictures.

Why do we take pictures in the first place? For me, I take pictures to preserve a special time, event, milestone, etc. Pictures are a source of unwritten memories. We take pictures to remember a moment in time that we want others to know about. But what happens if we just throw all of our pictures into a box without taking the time to label them? The memory is still preserved, but cannot be recalled by anyone looking at it. Time tends to pass by too quickly and those boxes of pictures tend to sit on a shelf until someone stumbles across them and discovers that those memories cannot be identified.

In today’s world so many of our pictures are stored digitally, which means we do not even have paper copies to write on. When I was a little girl my Grandma and Pap had a Polaroid camera. You pushed the button, the picture slid out of the camera and within a few minutes it would “develop” right before your very eyes. Then we got some new fancy cameras that used 33 mm film. We would send the film off and a week or two later, the mailman would deliver an envelope with our pictures. Flash forward to the digital age where you can take a picture, send it via e-mail and within seconds share it with all of your friends and family. While the opportunity to have paper copies printed still exists, we find ourselves not going to the trouble of having it done. What happens if we have a technical difficulty and we lose our digital images? What happens to the memories? The memories will remain in our minds and hearts, but we will not be able to share them with future generations.

My challenge for you this week (and in the weeks to come) is to return to a time where paper pictures are treasured. If you have a box of unidentified pictures, dig them out and label them. If you do not have a box full of pictures, get clicking and fill one up. As I sat staring at the image of three year old me, I realized that there are so many things from my childhood that I simply do not remember. Why? Because as we grow older we tend to forget the little things from our past, however, pictures are a way to either remind us of that special time or help us take a peek back in time and see what we were like. My children are pretty much grown and lately I have found myself staring at their photo albums remembering them as my little ones. My son, who at 13 is just a tad bit taller than me stares back at me from the pages of his album and it is like I have been transported back in time. My daughter , now 18, stares at me from the photos of her life wearing her daddy’s sneakers and sheepish little grin. Oh the memories, oh the joy that these photos bring to me. Fill your life with pictures. We have but one life to live, so why not capture that life in pictures to carry your memories on forever.

For me, I will continue to snap away whether my teenage children want me to or not. I am sure I will capture quite a few shots of the back of their heads or their hands in front of the lens while trying to escape, but once in a while I will capture a memory and place it in their photo journal in hopes that one day down their life road they, like me, will pull it out and recall a special moment in time and all the love that their daddy and I have for them then and now.

I share with you my picture of three year old me….enjoy.

Peace,

Karla Robey